Dear Blog Reader: The Customer of the Day Award program has recently been expanded. Due to intense competition and an unusual number of competitors, the judges have decided that, henceforth, there will be two categories for Customer of the Day: Idiot and Asshole. We appreciate your patience as the new program rolls out and we continue to make improvements.
Sincerely,
The Service Industry

The Idiot Customer of the Day was a woman. She was standing in front of the cream cheese, across an aisle and twenty feet away from me as I worked through a large block of Italian Pecorino. I made eye contact with her and held it for a moment, to see if she needed help. I was wearing an apron and gloves and was obviously working in the cheese department, so I assumed that if she needed something she would ask. She didn't. I was then engaged in a conversation by a fellow employee who was asking about the new aged Provolone that had just come in. I was still busy cutting and wrapping, and the woman walked up behind the employee and stood there, tossing a block of cream cheese back and forth between her two hands- impatiently, as if she had been waiting for hours while he finished a sentence.

"Can I help you?" I asked her, when he paused.

"Can I ask a stupid question?"

"Of course."

"Is this goat cheese?"

Fellow Employee turned to see what she was holding and, noting the frantic way in which she was bouncing it, turned back to me to see my reaction.

"No." I said it calmly. I didn't say it in a condescending or dismissive way, but I also did not elaborate, because I had no desire to engage this woman in a conversation. She walked away, cream cheese in hand.

Fellow Employee stood there for a moment, his face completely blank.

"I have to go now," he said after a long silence.

"Makes you glad you work in the back, doesn't it?"

"I have to go. Now."

The Asshole Customer of the Day was a man. He didn't appear to be an asshole at first, which was how he trapped me in the first place. When I see assholes coming, I either get very, very busy, avoiding eye contact, or (in extreme cases) excuse myself to go to the loo and hide in the back watching through the kitchen window until they've gone. Thankfully, we don't have that many Regular Assholes, or else I would never get any work done.
So this guy comes up while i am in the middle of cutting bllomy rind cheeses, and he asks
"Do you like goat cheese?"

"Yes. I love goat cheese."

"What's your favorite goat cheese? I want a taste of your favorite goat cheese."

Okay. i like a customer who wants to try something new. I am wary of the What's your favorite question, because that's no way to choose something if you don't know me, but I was happy to stop what I was doing and let him try something new.
I took off my glove and threw it away, since you aren't supposed to re-use gloves and since I can't use a glove that I've had on while cutting bloomy rind cheese to cut a goat cheese. I put aside the bloomy cheeses and the cutting boar and knife I was using on them. I took out a new glove, went and got a new knife, and asked him to hand me a piece of Pantaleo, a hard goat cheese from Sardinia. While I was unwrapping it and cutting him a piece, I explained to him what it was and where it was from, and what I liked about the flavor profile, as well as what I usually paired it with (beer and wine, just in case). He wasn't really listening. He took it from me, popped it into his mouth, and chewed for a minute.
"Yeah, that's good. So that's a Parmesan culture?"

"I don't know what the culture is." (Next time I'm in Sardinia I'll be sure to ask, I thought.)
"What else?"

He wanted to taste more, but he was not specific in any way about what he was looking for, and kept insisting that he liked everything, so I couldn't narrow it down. I gave him a taste of Manchester, an aged goat cheese from Consider Bardwell farm here in Vermont.

"Oh yeah- that's good. How long is it aged?"

"I don't know exactly. I can look it up if you want me to." I was still being enthusiastic at this point. I cut him a piece of Miticana de Cabra, a Spanish bloomy rind cheese that is a huge seller. It is very similar to Bucheron, but richer and more decadent. It is also slightly cheaper, which is a huge score. We sell through our whole stock of this every week.

"Oh, now that's what I like. That's right up my alley."

The last thing I gave him was a semi-hard cheese from Spain called Pata de Cabra. It is smooth and rich and full of flavor. Slightly aged and a little more mellow than the others, but divine. Not many people know about it, so it needs hand selling.

"Yeah, that's okay," he said dismissively. "It's pretty pedestrian and run-of-the-mill. Sharp, though. I like stuff that's really out there and adventurous." He picked up the Miticana de Cabra.
"So what, is Mitticana the region and Cabra the cheese?"

"Mitticana is the brand name. Cabra means goat."

"Oh, yeah- right. Thanks a lot."

Ah, connoisseurs.

The sound of my teeth grinding was audible from across the room as I cleaned up and re-wrapped all of the cheeses he had tasted. Sven summed it all up neatly:

"Wow. That's uaually how the wine people are."