For some reason, we have had a flood of newborn babies through the Local Grocery in the past week. Babies that look to small to be real. Babies that, even when they're screaming (and in the LG they usually are), barely make a sound. Babies that would probably be better off at home. In an unusual twist, I haven't really said anything out loud about it. I think my sense of humor is starting to wear on Barbara. For some reason, she seems to be getting defensive when I respond to the sound of a shrieking toddler or a whiny six-year-old with
"Can't somebody put a plastic bag over that thing?", or the ever-charming "If that thing doesn't shut up I'm going to throw it in the river."
I wouldn't do this, of course. And no matter how tempted I might be to say something to their clueless parents, I need my job, so I usually just mumble something snide or go hide in the kitchen until the noise passes. But lately I've noticed Barbara getting a little testy, so I have made an effort to quietly ignore all but the worst offenders. (I'm not perfect, after all). So the newborns were something that I noted, but chose not to mention. After the third one on Saturday, though, Sven had had it. He leaned over, and putting on his Green Mountain Goober voice (imagine Bill Murray talking to himself about blowing up the gopher in Caddyshack, and add a Kennedy-esque twist to the vowels) said quietly but with a definite note of exasperation
"Uh, gee honey, I know you just gave birth like, two hours ago and all, but do you think you could run down to the Local Grocery?"
I've gotten a lot of mileage out of that mark with each repetition. I just have to make sure Barbara is out of earshot.
2 comments:
How irritated I get by whiny or badly-behaved children is governed by how their parents deal with it. I know how difficult small children can be and sometimes there's no alternative but to take them shopping with you. A parent who takes ages reading the labels while the kids run riot really gets my goat.
I don't get the thing about taking newborns out. Used to be like puppies - you didn't walk them in public until they'd had their distemper jabs. Now, poor little bastards get hauled out from the start to have their senses overloaded.
I agree wholeheartedly, Z. As you may have read in the past in this space, it is usually the case that the parents in this area are trying to reason with their children, rather than simply parenting them. In the meantime we're all getting punished. I have no idea why these people spend so much time asking their children to make every decision rather than simply filling the cart and getting on with it. I doubt seriously that the kids would care whether the applesauce was cranberry or cinnamon or flipping plain if they would spend their day outdoors having fun instead of in a grocery store with their idiotic parents. The worst offenders are, of course, regular customers, and they get more irritating with each visit. I wonder how it will effect these kids as teenagers and adults that they had to make every decision starting at age three. (I am not exaggerating, by the way. Fist it's what kind of applesauce, then what kind of bread, then cheese, and what shape of macaroni and cheese.) It must be exhausting.
And the newborn thing is baffling. Many of my friends had kids a few years ago, and I swear that most of them didn't go out in public for well over a month.
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