On Procrastination.

You may have noticed that I have been blogging more lately. Is it because I have found my muse ? Kind of, if you consider bitterness and a serious disdain for football and its fans a muse (I do). But what's really going on in that I told my friend A that I would do National Novel Writing Month (naowrimo.org) with her. I have never thought of myself as a novel writer, and that is more true today than ever. So I'm dragging my proverbial feet. (But boy is my house clean!!! And man is my laundry done!! And hell, I have even cleaned out the closets!! See how that works?)
Anyway, apologies to A for my being such a dick. But she sent me something hilarious today to help me along. And I'm posting it here for you, while I continue to avoid actual writing:

http://whedonesque.com/comments/14650

The Other Asshole; or Customer of the Night # 553

They say that a fool and his money are soon parted, but what they don't tell you is that an asshole and his money don't even get to say goodbye. This Guy (who was That Guy on this particular night) was dressed better than anybody else in the room, better than anybody at a football game ought to be, and every fifteen minutes or so I thought I had figured out who he was with. Except that he was apparently with everybody who would come within earshot, and he kept pulling out giant wads of cash and sidling up to especially young women at the bar and trying to buy them drinks. He wasn't that drunk at first, so I served him several rounds, but eventually I started motioning to whomever his latest victim was that he was cut off. This did not stop him from close talking every guy and inappropriately hitting on every girl (he was probably in his late thirties and was, frankly, in the wrong bar if he was looking for a date that night) in sight. Finally a group of girls got tired of him and, after he dropped fifty bucks on the bar to buy them a round of shots and turned his back, decided to spend it all. I didn't care, and obviously That Guy didn't either. They gave me a huge tip (from their own money) and ran away as soon as they could. This happened several times during the night: That Guy puts down money, latest victim gets drink, That Guy and victim do the shot, change gets left on the bar, and That Guy disappears to find another victim. It really did make up for the other folks that weren't tipping very well (see previous post).
I didn't want to kick That Guy out because he was mostly harmless but very drunk, and I thought it would be more of a hassle than necessary for our door staff, who had their hands full as it was. In the end, though, I had to. He came up at around one thirty and ordered a shot from the other bartender. I was busy at the other end of the bar and before I could get the other bartender's attention to tell him that I had cut That Guy off, he had already poured one. That Guy drank it, the other bartender walked away, and about ten or twenty seconds later, as I walked past That Guy, he spit his shot back out on the bar. I asked the door guys to remove him gently and they did. When I stepped outside at two to get a breath of fresh air before cleaning, I saw That Guy and the Blonde Douchebag. They were talking so close to each other's faces that I thought they were about to fight. No such luck. They were just so drunk they didn't realize how close they were to making out.

In other news, the b.h. found an excellent new blog. The link to Hot Knives (featuring two vegetarian line cooks from L.A.) is over there on your left. Check it out. The Grilled Cheese post from April 2006 was particularly amusing.

Funny Ha Ha.

I was just wandering about and I ran across a hilarious post over at Chunklet. It was sent to Henry via a friend of his and I just couldn't help reprinting it here. I don't think he'll mind.

"I started this game on a flight from Orlando to NYC a few years ago after seeing at the Hard Rock Hotel Orlando a menu item called Steven Tyler Quesadillas. I was afraid to tell Nick across from me on the flight what I was laughing so hard about cause it was so stupid but once I did it spread through the band and crew like wildfire and for days i was taking notes from everyone and even getting middle of the night texts... a new one comes in now and again still.

(Editor's Note: I've only included the first 20 or so he typed for sanity's sake)
Crooked Chicken Fingers
Frank Blackened Catfish
Sole Asylum (alternate: Sole Coughing)
Husker Stew
Kyle Mignon
Gang of Four Cheese Pizza
I Love You But I've Chosen Prawns
Nine inch Snails
Catherine Cheesewheel
Cornish Game Hendrix
Death Crab for Cutie
Superchunk Chocolate Cake
Teenage Fanclub Sandwich
Hot Not Meat (veggie menu)
Soundgarden Burger
Fleetwood Mac and Cheese
Shrimpbizkit
Stew Order
...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Breadsticks
The Afghan Wings
Rites of Spring Rolls
Archers of Meatloaf
Pjork with the Gravery"

Okay.....Go forth and make me a menu, dammit!


This is the music lover's version of the game we played awhile back where you replace one word of a movie title with the word vagina (hat tip to Chris for bringing that to our workplace). The winner of that was Sean, for Arsenic and Old Vagina. I can't decide which of these menu items is my favorite, but I suspect the b.h. and I will be playing this game quite a bit.